PART 2: 'Something wonderful is about to happen'

The eighteenth one

Have you ever felt like you were on the brink of something great and you’re about to break through to what you’ve been waiting for and you know its coming but just not when and what exactly but you know something great is coming and so you wait today and you wait tomorrow and you waited yesterday and last month and sometimes you doubt yourself sometimes you get discouraged asking will it happen and that yes that lingers in your spirit never goes away and it hurts because it’s just there sitting taking up space but you don’t want it anymore if you can’t have the yes now you just don’t want it and even sometimes you desperately want it to go away because holding on to the hope that a yes is coming soon is killing you and you think becoming hopeless will feel like a relief because hope hurts and so a no is what you want to hear a no today is better than a yes someday and then no matter how hard you try that someday yes reveals itself in you in you’re on a high hoping and believing it’s coming and it’s coming and you feel it and goodness is running after you oh but you don’t want it you just want an answer you want an ending to stop the anguish stop the anxiety stop the planning stop the scheming you don’t want to talk about it anymore you no longer want it a topic of every single conversation all you want is to move on and worry about something else anything else?

fall
fall
fall

what is this feeling what is this lingering why do I believe this yes is coming why can I feel it here sometimes why do I have so much hope and faith that yes is on its way

please

I need a booming no from the heavens, so loud it shakes the neighbors awake, sets off car alarms, and echoes through the streets give me a no, give me a no

yes
whispers
yes
lingers
yes comes when yes wants

oh…but

you will always be forever what’s in a yes in a thousand generations for all who’ve gone before us and all who are to come to sing the song 

your Name is the highest

your Name is the greatest

your Name stands above them all

If you haven’t gotten it by now, there’s something I’m waiting for, something I’m praying for, hoping for, investing time and feelings into. It’s the faith that wells up inside me, encouraging me to believe that a "yes" is on its way. But sometimes it hurts to hold onto hope because I don’t know when it will come or if it will sound like the "yes" I’ve been waiting for. Still, I want to encourage you: your "yes" is on its way too.

This has been a glimpse of what goes through my mind at 3 a.m. I’m always thinking, sometimes to my own detriment. Once my mind starts going, it’s hard for me to get up, use the bathroom, and fall back asleep. The thoughts just won’t stop. So, in an effort to quiet my mind and hopefully drift back to sleep, I decided to write them down.

The words in this post mean a lot, though I may not have made that clear—because, of course, you’re not inside my mind. In here, there’s no grammar, no punctuation. So if you’re confused, well… you should be.